To Confront or Not to Confront

Next time you watch a movie, pay attention to the first image you see.  This is called the “central image” and should give you a key to understanding the main character and their journey.  A “central question” about this character is also posited,  i.e. “Will Dorothy find happiness in her drab, Kansas existence?”

If I were a movie character, my central question would be, “How do I deal with conflict?”  You might find this surprising since I’m a fairly gentle person and yet, I’m a sinner who encounters other sinners.  “…all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”  (Rom 3:23)  Thus, conflict occurs.  And the question of how to deal with the conflict also arises.   “Welcome to the human race,” you may be thinking.   But seriously, I’ve encountered a series of strong characters from a young age.  And thus, I’ve pondered this question from a number of angles.

I’ve had many life experiences – living, studying, or serving as a missionary in Ireland, England, and Bolivia.  My ongoing question in life has been, “How would Jesus handle this?

I went to counseling in my twenties and realized that I was walking away from relationships because of unresolved conflict.  When confronted with fight or flight, I usually flew.  But sometimes, I’d find myself more lonely or disconnected.  So I began to deal with interpersonal conflict in a different way.   Oftentimes, I write people how I feel, but sometimes, I talk things out with a person.  I still find the latter way scary and continue working on skills in this area.   I’m very grateful to family and friends who have listened to my feelings, apologized and expressed care for me!

I try to care about others in the same way I’d like them to care about me.  Glenn and I consecrated ourselves to the Blessed Mother and I’ve felt her maternal love soften my heart.  I want to work things out more, maintain relationships, and care more about someone’s feelings than justify why I’m right, aka, let pride rule my actions.

Sometimes, the way I’ve viewed how Jesus might handle a situation has made it harder for me to confront others.  I thought He didn’t get angry and to get angry was – not exactly a sin – but not the best thing either.  The phrase, “turn the other cheek,” is not easily understood.  My husband, Glenn, (and my own Bible reading) has pointed out more places to me where Jesus did get angry or confront; such as when he drove the money changers out of the temple shortly before Passover and His crucifixion (Matt. 21:12).  He wasn’t getting angry to blow off some steam but rather, to protect the sacredness of His Father’s house.  And often, His confronting was calm and measured, as in the case of the woman caught in adultery.  Jesus protects the vulnerable by simply stating the truth; that all have sinned and none have the right to sit in judgement (Jn 8:1-11).

One fear I’ve had is:  where will the conflict lead?  Sometimes, it works out fine.  Other times, it leads to death, as in the case of our dear Jesus.  I’ve seen conflict turn ugly and as a sensitive soul, have felt the painful effects of anger.   Anger comes out in many ways.  Sometimes it’s helpful – we get in touch with our feelings or make needed changes.  Unfortunately, it comes out in many ugly and hurtful ways: tone of voice, dirty looks, sarcasm and cynicism, snapping, yelling, violence, etc.

Jesus didn’t confront because anger had hurt him personally, the way it does with us.  Jesus confronted sin because it hurt the person committing it, or it hurt someone else.  In a sense, He had to confront sin by the very virtue that He defined himself as “the way, the truth and the life”  (Jn 14:6).  Sin is an untruth, in that it violates God’s natural law and when we commit sin, we’re not being our truest selves.  Yet, much of the time, Jesus confronts sin gently.  We don’t know we’re sinning and need it pointed out to us softly.  It’s the devil who points the finger at us.  After all, the name Satan means, “the accuser.”

This is why it’s better to tell someone, “that hurts my feelings,” or “when you do this, I feel this way.”  My dad uses the example of telling someone, “you’re stepping on my toe,” which they probably don’t realize they’re doing.  When we accuse or point fingers, the other person feels angry, defensive and hurt.

This past year, I found myself in a tough situation where I was on the receiving end of a lot of anger.  I had a supervisor who didn’t communicate well.  I could read frustration on her face and hear increasing irritation in her voice.  I tried asking questions and sometimes got answers but more often, annoyance.  Then, a co-worker who had been supportive began expressing strong anger for seemingly minor things.  I increasingly felt anxious, angry and hurt – and a sense of dread on Sunday nights.

A friend asked if God might be trying to purify me of my own sin.

This third I will put into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold.  (Zec 13:19)

I don’t enjoy this part of the spiritual journey but I know God needs to prune me and help me to grow.  In light of this, I tried practicing more humility, patience and acts of charity toward my co-workers.  At times though, I felt angry at God for allowing me to be in this difficult situation.   Another friend sent a helpful book,  The Christian Employee.  Things got better or at least held steady.  But then, they both expressed their anger towards me in ways that were so hurtful.

I had prayed a lot during the year and although I hadn’t received a direct sign, a few scripture verses were very helpful.  Glenn and I often prayed them together.

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!”    (Rom 8:15)

 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.  Let your kindness be known to all. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Phil 4:4-4:7)

It’s good if one can find small ways to address the situation or assert.  Believe me, I work at this but it’s not always easy for my heart and mouth to connect.  Some people use a tone of voice or put up boundaries or communicate in subtle ways that what a person is doing is not acceptable.  I admire this.  Boundaries is a good book that helps with these skills and I’ve tried to apply them to my life.

Around this time, we heard a talk by Sr. Miriam Heidland, SOLT.  She’s delightful and the talk was informative and empowering!  Based on a book, Be Healed: A Guide to Encountering the Powerful Love of Jesus in Your Life by Dr. Bob Schuchts, she proposes that underlying the seven sins are seven wounds.  One of the wounds was powerlessness.  I’ve struggled with this at times, in part because of my own makeup and also, because I simply don’t know how to respond to meanness.  And although I’m hurt or angry, I don’t want to sin against the person in turn.  This feeling of powerlessness is something that Jesus has been healing in me for a LONG time.

Granted, people don’t set out to be mean.  They’re frustrated, having a bad day or have been parented in a certain way.  Lately, I’ve heard it described as a “character flaw.”  They may or may not realize their behavior hurts others.  And sensitive people like me may take it more personally.   To be able to correct or address others’ trespasses, while respecting their dignity, is a skill that few have.  It takes a lot of love, wisdom, patience and self-control.

Around this time, I relayed the current situation to the friend who had asked if God was purifying me.  This time, she commented that  we all have an inherent dignity as sons and daughters of God and mine wasn’t being respected.  I was hearing the Lord’s call to make a change in this situation whereas, I hadn’t previously been sure of His will.

So I made a change  that I’d been very afraid to make.  It was a small workplace and I feared people’s reactions.  A strong supervisor helped me to make the change so that I spent much less time in my current situation and more time working with other children.  It was scary, awkward and bumpy at first.  But as the days and weeks went on, it got better. I emailed one co-worker some of the things she had done that had been hurtful.  She didn’t address the email but our relationship improved.

I’m very grateful to God for being with me in this situation and for the love and support He showed me through Glenn and my family and friends!  Confronting is hard but sometimes necessary.  Some situations have to get worse before they get better.

I’ve heard homilies that challenge people to forgive but don’t mention communicating feelings or standing up for oneself.  It’s always God’s way to forgive but so is honesty.   I’m trying to understand better the difference between being assertive and being aggressive.  I believe we need much more encouragement, especially since verbal violence has become more acceptable in the public sphere.  We can try new ways to express ourselves,  be patient as we grow and forgive ourselves when we’re not perfect.

Another resource is the book, “Don’t Forgive too Soon: Extending the Two Hands that Heal.”

Some people may have a different system of values or not value who you are.  Yet, God loves us and ALWAYS wants us to walk in the light and knowledge that we’re sons and daughters of a Father who loves us dearly and wants wholeness for us.  (See my post, “Our Deepest Identity,”  from Oct. 17, 2016).

The “movie character,” Maeve, is understanding each day that she can stand up for herself and others.  She can communicate directly, as Jesus did.

I often ask the Holy Spirit to guide me in each situation.

I welcome any insights, ways of communicating, or resources you might have in this area.

6 thoughts on “To Confront or Not to Confront”

  1. Another reflective, insightful, and humble blog, Maeve. As usual, thank you for your honesty.

    Being an assertive person, I find my tendency will usually be to confront rather than flee, especially if it’s interfering in the relationship. However, I always first try to put myself in the other person’s shoes, try to see their point of view, and accept them for who they are as much as possible. I try to see my part in the situation, and I try to not take it personally and get offended easily, especially when I see it’s more of a personality type of theirs then a true reflection of me. I remember we can’t change others, only our reaction to them. I think the more secure we become in our own identity through our relationship with God, the less we need the approval or even the understanding of others. I do try to follow Saint Francis’s prayer seek to understand others more than be understood, it does help make life more harmonious. When I feel a need to confront, I pray and try to wait until I can truly do it from a place of love. Of course, there are always those times I lose my temper, but thankfully they’re far and few between and it’s usually just with my son. LOL

  2. Thank you Maeve. And I ditto what Patrick says in above comment. In situations like this my lovely wife always reminds me that something inside of us is being activated and we must look inward where we will always find some fear lurking. With God’s love the fear needs to be turned into love. Love to you and Glenn. Basketball is just around the corner! Rick

  3. Wow, great post, Big Sis! It’s very open and honest, so much so that it makes me shiver just thinking about the types of conflict described in it, as I choose flight over fight every time–haha! And I love the quote “The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything . . . And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” It’s so comforting to know that God is always there to love us no matter what.

  4. Maeve,
    I read this the other day and knew I would come back to it to dive in fully. There is so much in this post that reminds me of me and others I know, too. I love that in your searching for answers that you turn toward scripture and pray. We all need to be reminded of that in our quest for change. Thank you for providing some real solutions to try and several book suggestions. Prayers for you and Glenn. May you continue to walk in his light and presence. DeColores! Wendy

  5. Hi Maeve,
    Thanks for your heartfelt sharing. Sounds like you have been on a long journey of healing and learning. And it sounds like you ARE healing and learning! Way to go dear sister! Say hi to Glenn from me and Bill!
    Mary Cavnar

  6. Maeve, this was beautiful!!! It reminded me of a few times in my life and I appreciated all the resources. I think WRITInG is a resource as we name what we are experiencing and share it with others. I found you to be one of the sweetest most easy to work with person when you helped me out at Kateri during that storytelling “experiment.” But I do know that working with kids and teachers is a place where “control” (for lack of a better word) becomes an issue. I had a job not too long ago where a colleague and I had very different views on how to teach, how to encourage, and how much to “correct.” It opened my eyes to how we really had never prepared well and talked out our different philosophies. Lastly, I attended a 4 part workshop at the Dominican Retreat where we looked at how God sees us. Each week was different presenter and all four ideas presented (one was particularly about forgiveness) I found VERY enlightening. The women there are really on top of emotion and how to work with it. Thanks for all you shared. Marni

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